Christmas Time

Well, here it is: Christmas time! The time of year where it's acceptable to send your children out in hideous sweaters, go overboard on tacky decorations outside ones house, and it's expected to spend a ton of money buying presents for the people you love. Not to say that giving presents is wrong; I think it's a great way to show your loved ones that you care. I won't even bother getting into the argument of gift giving at Christmas, everyone has their own routine and that's fine with me.

Thinking of the last few Christmas' is a bizarre thing to do. This time two years ago I was extremely stuck in a hip-hop phase, including the fashion statements that go with it. This time one year ago I was on a reggae and punk "phase" that changed me. The latter of the two genre's is anything but a passing idea for me; I've loved punk rock for years, but last year it over took me and I ended up getting sucked into the life of it, rather than just my love of the music. It's rough looking back on these times because for the months before and after them I was, with some exceptions, the same person I am now. I'm not sure what brought on these little episodes of sinking completely into something other than what I'm always into, but I know that it was hard on me and my friends while it was happening.

For the last few days I've been thinking about those times and trying to figure out why they happened. I think I may have come to some sort of hypothesis: Winter depresses me. I hate the cold, I hate the ugliness, I hate pretty much everything about it. With this complete distaste for the season comes the feelings that go along with being surrounded by something I so strongly dislike. Which often leaves me feeling a touch lonely and, for lack of better words, empty. So I've found something new to dive into to take my mind off these other feelings. This year I haven't chosen to stray from my life to find something to occupy me, I'm just dealing with these feelings.

The time spent thinking about the emotions has opened my eyes to some things. I need God. I need God so badly but I've been choosing to push Him to the side of everything. And I really mean everything. I know that before anything else I have to steady my relationship with the big guy. Only after that can I really start exploring and expanding on the other things that have been on my mind. Other things like the fact that I'd really like to find a girl with a heart of gold that see's something in me that maybe someday I can call my own. I'd also really like to see some progress in my music, not in terms of getting better, but really moving forward in the "scene" as it were. I'd also love to do something for myself, something that isn't the band. Go on a trip, see something new; Just do something that is for me.

I don't want to sound self-indulged in all of this. I want to bring into the light, for myself, the fact that I probably AM looking at everything now in a very narcissistic way. Basically, I know that before I can do the things I want to do, and get the things I want to get, I have to really solidify my relationship with God that is currently in a very liquid state.

Confidence has never been something I've struggled with. In fact, in most cases, confidence is something I've always had an abundance of. Not to say there haven't been times in my life where I have been insecure about something or felt as if something I have done isn't the best it could be, I just never had an issue with confidence. That is until this morning.

Lately I've really been pushing myself to become a better poet. I've been striving to write lyrics that I will read afterwards and know that they are good. I've been drawing inspiration from amazing writers as well, like Conor Oberst and Ace Enders. Maybe that's the reason I'm in the predicament I'm in, or maybe it's because little do I know, I have a little bit of a confidence problem. I want so badly to be able to write well; Not just songs, but I want to be able to write things that make you feel something. I've always been amazed by people who can write a simple piece of literature (??) and simply in the way they put their words together they make you feel something. It's like they can capture the feeling you feel when you see an amazing mountain range, or really realize the vastness of the ocean, and direct it at you about anything. Joel Klettke has always been amazing at this. What's the key? I want to be able to write like that.

So, last night I wrote some lyrics, I spent a long time working on them, because I wanted them to be perfect. I wanted to be so proud of what I'd written when I was done, and I recall that when I put the paper down I was content. I was proud of what I'd done.

However this morning when I woke up, and up until now, I have not had the guts to look at the page. I'm too afraid to look at my words because I have such little confidence in myself when it comes to writing that I have somehow convinced myself I will be let down.

This is where my confidence issue begins, and I think the only way to get out of it is to become a better writer, a better poet. I plan to do that.