Christmas Time

Well, here it is: Christmas time! The time of year where it's acceptable to send your children out in hideous sweaters, go overboard on tacky decorations outside ones house, and it's expected to spend a ton of money buying presents for the people you love. Not to say that giving presents is wrong; I think it's a great way to show your loved ones that you care. I won't even bother getting into the argument of gift giving at Christmas, everyone has their own routine and that's fine with me.

Thinking of the last few Christmas' is a bizarre thing to do. This time two years ago I was extremely stuck in a hip-hop phase, including the fashion statements that go with it. This time one year ago I was on a reggae and punk "phase" that changed me. The latter of the two genre's is anything but a passing idea for me; I've loved punk rock for years, but last year it over took me and I ended up getting sucked into the life of it, rather than just my love of the music. It's rough looking back on these times because for the months before and after them I was, with some exceptions, the same person I am now. I'm not sure what brought on these little episodes of sinking completely into something other than what I'm always into, but I know that it was hard on me and my friends while it was happening.

For the last few days I've been thinking about those times and trying to figure out why they happened. I think I may have come to some sort of hypothesis: Winter depresses me. I hate the cold, I hate the ugliness, I hate pretty much everything about it. With this complete distaste for the season comes the feelings that go along with being surrounded by something I so strongly dislike. Which often leaves me feeling a touch lonely and, for lack of better words, empty. So I've found something new to dive into to take my mind off these other feelings. This year I haven't chosen to stray from my life to find something to occupy me, I'm just dealing with these feelings.

The time spent thinking about the emotions has opened my eyes to some things. I need God. I need God so badly but I've been choosing to push Him to the side of everything. And I really mean everything. I know that before anything else I have to steady my relationship with the big guy. Only after that can I really start exploring and expanding on the other things that have been on my mind. Other things like the fact that I'd really like to find a girl with a heart of gold that see's something in me that maybe someday I can call my own. I'd also really like to see some progress in my music, not in terms of getting better, but really moving forward in the "scene" as it were. I'd also love to do something for myself, something that isn't the band. Go on a trip, see something new; Just do something that is for me.

I don't want to sound self-indulged in all of this. I want to bring into the light, for myself, the fact that I probably AM looking at everything now in a very narcissistic way. Basically, I know that before I can do the things I want to do, and get the things I want to get, I have to really solidify my relationship with God that is currently in a very liquid state.